I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
