Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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