I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
