im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
