just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
