I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
