Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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