i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
