I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
