She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
