I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
