Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I am naked and annoyed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
