I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
