Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just pee around me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
