The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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