I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
