tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
