The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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