i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just had sex on a roof
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
