that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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