I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
