I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
