We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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