I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
