hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
