i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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