oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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