I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
