I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Barsexuality is the new black.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
