so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
