the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
