U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My bed smells like the plague
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