I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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