I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
