Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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