Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
