I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
