just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
