My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
