Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
