Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
