I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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