I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
