I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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