thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
