I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
