Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
