Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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