Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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