i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
