Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
