two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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