Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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