You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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