So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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