I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
